The Happiest Time???
The fantasy: That this will be the happiest time of your life.
The reality: Your engagement will actually be one of the most up-and-down times of your life; your wedding day will be one of the happiest days of your life.
Why? Planning one of today's elaborate weddings can drive even the most organized type A bride-to-be to pull her hair out. But it's a piece of cake compared to the psychological changes a woman undergoes before she gets married.
Most brides-to-be write off their "unbridely" feelings of anxiety, fear, and sadness to wedding stress. However, while wedding stress does in fact account for some of the angst, much of it is caused by the normal, natural psychological process that every woman goes through as she prepares to marry.
From the moment you say yes to the popped question, you are tossed into limbo, an unknown, in-between, new world in which you're neither single nor married, neither girlfriend nor wife. Your sense of who you are suddenly feels shaky as you close the chapter on your single life and begin a new one as a married woman.
Your relationships are changing as a result of your engagement, too.
Days or months ago, he was just your boyfriend; now, you're both wrapping your brains around the exciting, strange, and new concept of "husband and wife."
You're beginning to pull away from your family so you can create a new family with your fiance; it's almost as if you don't quite fit in with your folks the way you used to.
You're not one of "the girls" anymore, either. Out at a bar with your single girlfriends, you don't feel as connected with their Cosmos-and-cute guys lives. When a handsome stranger flirts with you, you feel guilty because you're now an engaged woman.
"I don't even recognize my own life anymore!" is a thought that crosses the mind of many brides-to-be.
Engaged women can bring order to their inner emotional chaos by becoming aware of the natural psychological process going on within then. (Just knowing that the "unbridely" feelings of sadness and fear have meaning and purpose often helps them release the pressure valve.
In my book, you'll learn how to work through your difficult feelings and grow from them, so that when your wedding day arrives, you'll feel like kicking up your heels to do, yes, even the electric slide. On your wedding day, you'll be smiling at your guests -- the same way those toothsome brides are smiling out at you from the pages of the bridal magazines today. But you've got a bit of emotional processing to do before you get there.
2 Comments:
Have you ever drawn parrells between these pre-wedding feelings and similar emotions women go through when they are pregnant with baby #1? The whole in between phase of transition into a completely different role in life seems very similar. I read your book before I was married and would love a similar book about crazy pregnancy emotions. Just as engagement is thought to be one of the happiest times of life, a first pregnancy is also thought to be one of those happy times, although I feel that sometimes the other emotions detract from that happiness (even in the case of a planned pregnancy between a married couple that is financially and otherwise prepared to become parents). Just a thought...
Yes, I agree completely! The emotions during pregnancy are very similar -- and unexpected -- to the emotions of being engaged. Excitement about the future. Fear of the unknown. Letting go of an identity as just a couple to make room for 3 and the grief that accompanies that. Anxiety about loss of control. Vulnerability -- am I up for this? What kind of a parent will I be? How was I parented? How will I do it the same way? How will I do it differently? Ambivalence about growing up, now, into parenthood. And, at the very core, excitement and anticipation about this family you're growing and building.
Like being engaged, there's a lot of stuff going on below the surface -- for both men and women.
I remember experiencing all of these emotions -- plus hormones! -- myself during my first pregnancy. And I too made the same parallel as you to my engagement. And I've thought of writing a book precisely about the psychological aspects of being pregnant that we're talking about now.
I think it's an important and helpful way to look at what you're going through right now. Once you see that you're in another transition of your identity and role into spouse/parent, (like you were as a bride/groom) and accept that it's a healthy and appropriate thing to process these emotions, this will mentally prepare you for parenthood ahead.
Plus, if you read the book during your engagement and got a lot out of thinking about being engaged as a process and transformation of identity from single to married, then you're already done this once. You know how to do this. Ride the ride and you'll get there.
All the best on the birth of your baby!
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