A 21st Century Way to Divorce-Proof Your Marriage
For those in intimate partnerships it may well be worth utilizing a joint social media account. Sharing one online world will likely lead to lively discussions about how the couple mutually experiences social media. This can bring the pair together not only physically, but emotionally. They can jointly decide who to be friends with, what pages to like, who to follow, and what they want to communicate to the world about their lives together. This can also help reduce the fear that one or the other partner might be cyber-straying while on an individual account.
Not a bad idea, I'd say. And I'm actually seeing this more and more with my own private Facebook friends -- joint accounts shared by a husband and wife. Family Facebook accounts.
This is a great idea. You could post as a couple, share photos as a couple, collect Facebook friends as a couple. And by being completely open and public with each other about your Facebook activity, you would both be far less vulnerable to the flirtations and come-ons of flames, old and new. You would build trust as you build your family.
What do you think?
Would you share a Facebook account with your spouse? I'd love to hear your thoughts.
Labels: Facebook, Marriage
When Brides Have Affairs
A great Q &A was posted on PsychCentral about a topic that comes up more than you would expect in my practice counseling brides -- brides having affairs with other men.
A groom writes:I've been with my fiance for 5 years. Recently, a new person has come into her life. Before I even met him, she decided it would be OK to spend the whole night with him in a vehicle, listening to music, and later on at his house, without my knowing or being informed. At first he was a friend that she cared about, and now she says it is something more. She says that she loves him like she loves me... She is having a difficult time trying to decide who she wants to be with. The therapist, Dr. Kristina Randle, answers this groom very compassionately and directly. In her answer, she grounds the situation in reality -- that his fiancee has been lying to him -- and that he needs to change his perspective:
There's a 3rd person here that isn't getting addressed: the bride. What's going on with her?
It's easy to label her as bad, unkind, and uncaring for her behavior of lying to her fiance, falling in love and having sex with someone else. But these brides come to me in high distress, so I bring a compassionate, non-judgmental mind, attitude and heart to them, to help them understand how and why they got into this situation.
These brides are overwraught, caught in a huge emotional whirlwind -- caught up in the excitement of falling in love, the thrill and fear of keeping a secrets, the guilt induced by the cheating and affair --that they can't see that any type of affair is a major red-flag, and that the wedding probably should not happen. Or at the very least, the affair should end, the wedding postponed, and couples therapy begun to address the affair and to heal from it.
Some of the questions I ask the brides to explore:
How did you get from saying "yes" to getting married to having sex with and/or falling in love with someone else? Tell me the story, the whole story.
Why do you think you were susceptible to or seeking out another man?
Did you initially accept your fiance's proposal because you were afraid to say "no"?
Why was it so scary to say " no"?
Is having an affair your way of saying (unconsciously, or not-so-subtly) "no" now, a way out of the engagement and marriage?
Are you hoping to get "caught"?
Have you truly fallen in love with the other man? If so, have you considered the shaky foundation that this relationship is built on, beginning as an affair?
So often, I hear from these brides who are having affairs, "I really do love my fiance. He is a great, great guy."
Well, then, doesn't this wonderful man, your fiance, deserve to know the truth? And doesn't he ultimately deserve to marry someone who truly, wholeheartedly wants to marry him?
I often find myself saying, "Since you love your fiance, own up to your behavior, and be honest with yourself and with him. He deserves the full story, since it's his engagement, too."
These brides need to make an active choice: either let their fiances go off into his own future without her, or give up the affair completely, put all her emotion and energy into her relationship with her fiance, and head to couples therapy to heal from the affair. This will require work, time, trust, hope and honesty, if this marriage is to work out.
Labels: affairs, bride, crush, Grooms, Weddings
Spidey Bridey!
 A friend found this Spiderman Bride in her 5 1/2-year-old daughter's room this week.
Photographic proof that some of us start imagining our weddings as little girls....and that little girls continue to do it today.
Bride + Spiderman = one powerful combination of archetypes!
Labels: bride, spiderman, Weddings
How To Keep Your Single Girlfriends Close
Many brides are confused by the instant distance that seems to come between them and their single girlfriends when they get engaged. In workshops, I’ve heard brides say: “My friends aren’t very interested in hearing about my wedding. That hurts.”
“I’m afraid of talking about how happy I am -- afraid it’ll hurt their feelings.”
“I’m not feeling close to them. I don’t know what to say…or if I should say anything at all.”
“It’s too complicated to deal with my single friends, and it’s easier to spend time with new friends I’ve made on wedding websites.”
Why is there distance between a bride and her single girlfriends?
Because can weddings hurt. Think back to a time when a close friend got engaged. Yes, you were happy for her. But her engagement prompted you to assess your own life.
You saw, perhaps, how the relationship you were in was light-years away from marriage. Or you felt anxious about never getting married. Or you felt embarrassed about your single status.
Yet you put on a happy face for your friend. But inside, you felt awful.
To protect themselves, many single women build a wall between themselves and the bride.
The result: both the bride and her friend are hurting, lonely, confused, and probably angry at the other.
It’s up to you, the bride, to initiate a real conversation with your closest friends. To share how you’re feeling – that you’re missing them, and that you feel the distance.
And to acknowledge how your getting married might be rough on them.
You can say something like: “I remember how hard it was for me when Stacy got married 3 years ago. I was jealous, sad, angry, scared. Being single at the wedding was really hard. I’ve been thinking about you a lot since I got engaged, knowing how I felt about Stacy’s wedding.”
Whether or not your friend shares how she’s doing, she will definitely feel taken care of by you. She’ll see how important she is to you, and how much you value her feelings and your friendship.
By being real with her, the gap between you will close. By acknowledging that your getting married might be hard for your friends, you’ll have your “girls” close by your side again. Labels: bride, friends, girlfriends, lonely, Weddings
6 months before your wedding: What to expect emotionally
SIX MONTHS before the wedding can be a strange and emotionally challenging time for many brides. The major planning is basically done -- venue selected, caterer picked -- but it's not time yet to address invitations or make seating arrangements.
In this relatively empty space, difficult feelings of anger, sadness, and fear often come up. And unfortunately, since there's nothing that urgently needs doing, you can't really distract yourself. You have to just feel the feelings.
Many brides are bewildered by these big feelings. They believe that their engagement is supposed to be one of the happiest times of their lives. Yes, happiness is a major part of being engaged -- you've found your life partner, and you're getting married! But so are fear, anger, and sadness.
These difficult feelings are normal and necessary as you make this transition from single to married, from fiancée to wife. Experiencing and understanding these difficult feelings prepares you for this change.
Emotions manifest differently for every bride. Some brides fight with their fiancé, friends, and parents. Others withdraw into themselves, confused and depressed. Many obsess about details so much that they are panicky and irritable. All of these reactions are normal during a major life transition such as getting married. But it's a lot for one person to handle!
In this quieter period of wedding planning, take the time to explore these feelings. Journal. Articulate for yourself what's really going on within you, in your deepest self. This is important information, information about your own development and growth process that is going on within you right now.
Figure out what feelings you don't want to be feeling, but are -- what feelings you may be trying hard to avoid, and instead picking fights with your fiance or family members, withdrawing from friends, or being obsessed with wedding details.
Are you feeling sad and scared about separating from your family? Overwhelmed at the responsibility of marriage and growing up, no matter how old you are? Sad about your parents' divorce -- even if it happend 15 years ago? Scared about losing "the girls"?
Getting to the core feeling is how you make the psychological shift from single to married, from daughter to wife. And these identity shifts are essential for the growth and health of your marriage.
I support brides as they explore and experience these feelings, difficult as it is. Because a feeling, once it is deeply felt, passes through and subsides. And then you, the bride, are left to experience more feelings -- especially the joy and magic of this amazing time of life. Labels: bride, cold feet, grief, sad, Weddings
Don't Rush Into Marriage, Say Our Elders
If you have found this website, you are probably analyzing your upcoming marriage.
You are doing exactly the right thing, the 80- and 90-year-old Americans interviewed for
The elders have seen many people rush into marriage – and they believe that’s a big mistake. They exhort us to think twice, three  times, or however many times it takes before you take the step into marriage. Investigate it more thoroughly than any other decision, weigh your options, and in particular examine your motives. If you are doing it for the wrong reasons, you have every reason to wait....
Henry, 82, told me: Don’t be hasty, take your time. Let the partner know you’re taking your time. Invite the partner also to take his or her time. Don’t be hasty, try to avoid pitfalls down the road. If you take your time you can at least be somewhat surer of selecting a life mate correctly and not capriciously. This can let you avoid the business of divorce or separation – divorce is a very unpleasant process. So try to be very selective in your life partner early on and avoid if possible the trauma and the unpleasantness associated with divorce. Rushing to quickly into marriage was one of the major regrets expressed by the elders in 30 Lessons for Living. So it’s worth thinking twice (or more) before saying “I do!”
This book seems like a series of important, authentic conversations with a grandparent. So talk to your own grandparents and elder relatives about marriage -- they have a lifetime of experience to share with you, as you embark on your own marriage. Labels: bride, elderly, Marriage, Weddings
The Private Lives of Engaged Couples
The Question I posted this question on my website: Since your engagement, your relationship with your fiancé has: A. Flourished. We feel more connected and in love every day. Wedding planning is a breeze, and this is one of the happiest times of my life. B. Had its ups and downs. I've been surprised how different being engaged is, but we're dealing with it pretty well. C. Been really challenging. We're feeling less connected, having less sex, consumed with planning the wedding, and there's much more tension than I expected there to be. The state of our relationship upsets us both. | 
| The Answers Before reading on, how would you answer? How has your relationship been since you got engaged? Blissfully in love? Wracked by fear, anger, stress, and conflict? Somewhere in between? Do you feel like you have to "hide" the reality of what's going on in your relationship, so people will think you're still "the perfect couple"? Do you both feel should be happier than you are? If so, you'll be relieved to learn that you're not alone.. .23% Said Their Relationships Have "Flourished" "We are definitely feeling more connected," one bride elaborates. "Becoming engaged has grounded us and helped us in our relationship. Before, little things might bother us. Now we know we're here to stay and that we will work it out, not matter what |
| "Initially, our relationship did not flourish," answers another bride. The first month, her fiancé was laid off, and they thought they might have to move away immediately. Her reaction was fear and anger, she says, "and I sent most of it his way, because I couldn't let anyone else know I wasn't the 'happy bride', right?" They survived this, as well as some conflicts with family members, "and now that those external things are leveling out, we are making a space for 'us.'...We're growing closer in ways far beyond the physical. It's a mental deepening into something more than infatuation/love. So right now, I would say our relationship is flourishing." |
| 23% Said It's Been "Up-and-Down" "I wanted to check 'flourished' because our relationship has definitely strengthened since we've gotten engaged," writes one bride. "We have so much fun talking about being married and living together. We're both so excited about this." Wedding planning, she reports, is fun and exciting, but much more stressful than she ever imagined. For this bride, the main reason it's been "up-and-down" is not the relationship. It's the psychological transition she's making from daughter to wife that's challenging. "I'm feeling a little more sad about leaving my parents than I had expected to," she explains. "I think about it a lot and talk to my Mom about it. I will definitely talk to my Dad about it before the wedding, but I'm not ready for that yet. I'm a Daddy's Girl, so it's going to be hard." Reading Emotionally Engaged has helped her understand what's happening. "Overall, I've found that just accepting ALL the feelings that have surfaced since becoming engaged -- even the ones that I never expected (sad at times, and even lonely) -- have made me much better at handling this whole process." |
| 46% Said It's "Been Really Challenging" Nearly half of all brides who answered said it's been tough being engaged. "There have been many ups and downs, and it's been difficult to keep things stable, emotionally," says one bride. "We have too many emotions going on at once, individually and together. It's just been really stressful." "My fiancé was listening to me read the choices," reports another. "For 'flourished,' he said very sarcastically, 'Yeah, right.' For 'ups-and-downs' he said, 'Sort of.' For 'been really challenging,' he said, "Exactly.' We're soooo stressed. He's stressed because I'm stressed. He's so excited to get married; I'm so scared." 8% Said "Other" And commented that their relationships had flourished, had ups and downs, and been really challenging, all at once. This, I believe, is perfectly normal. Why? Engagement Is All About Change Engagement is a transition -- a change in self-identity from single woman to married woman, and a change in family relationship from daughter in your parent's family to wife with the new family you're creating. Your fiancé is going through a similar change -- from single guy to married man, from son to husband. These are profound changes in identity and in family relationships. So profound that many brides and grooms are overwhelmed by stress, sadness, anxiety, anger, and fear. As one bride above says, "we have too many emotions going on at once, individually and together." Staying Connected Is Hard Staying connected and feeling close to each other when all this emotion is going on can seem nearly impossible. You're changing, he's changing, and you're changing as a couple. The volume and intensity of emotions you're feeling right now would overwhelm even a couple married 30 years. Especially since men are more easily "flooded" by emotion than women, according to John Gottman, Ph.D., author of the excellent and important book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. In times of high emotional stress, men get flooded and shut down, and women still try to connect, to no avail. The result: both men and women are alone and left hanging, emotionally. And that only adds to the stress and bad feeling. What You Can Do The work for both of you is to be brave and to learn how to feel these feelings, separately and together. To feel the sadness about leaving your single life. To feel the fear about leaving your family. To feel the anxiety about making a lifelong commitment. To come to know the feelings -- rather than repress them into stress, making yourself and your fiance miserable.. This is what I do with brides and couples in bridal counseling. I help you understand the normal progression of emotions during engagement, and how these feelings actually facilitate the transitions you're making from single to married. These events are supportive, enlightening, fun, and fascinating. Thanks To The Brides Who Shared Their Stories Brides often feel isolated, so when they hear that others are having similar experiences, they know they're not alone. |
Labels: Engagement
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